I don’t know what I feel right now. I keep waiting for this big revelation, but on the surface, it seems like nothing is happening. That’s why a seat at the keyboard is needed, to take some time to reflect and appreciate the journey.
I had another knee surgery last week, with procedures similar to the previous work done on the left knee in June. The feelings this time are different, there is a calmness compared to the days that followed last time. Perhaps it’s because the fear of the unknown is gone, the fear of what’s to come is no longer a fear but more curiosity.
Wednesday was the first trip out of the house, heading back downtown for a post-op follow up. Before this visit, plans were starting to form for a return to activity, ok honestly, even before surgery next season plans for exercising and training were already brewing. Bouncing between what 2017 would hold, post-operative care and rehab and what the long term picture looked like kept my mind busy, but I’m used to this.
For the past three years, there have been appointments after appointments after appointments. I’ve spent a lot of time and a lot of money treating my knees and then torn hip so to have my knees top of mind and feelings of being held back became the norm. And my question to the doctor about “what do I do now for the long term” seemed necessary. He teased me a little a first, as we have a good rapport, but in seriousness he suggested we give it three months and go from there.
I looked away. What!? Go from there? See you in three months, let’s see? What about patella replacements? What about shots of PRP or stem cells? Go from there? I looked back to him and said “Wait, so you’re saying after three years of worrying about my knees, I can stop now? I felt my eyes start to well up, but I forced back any more emotion.
For anyone who knows me, really knows me I’m a bit of a steam engine flying down the tracks full steam ahead with no intentions of stopping, let alone backing up. Can you relate to this? So focused on the goal, the finish line the next “whatever” you fail to realize the depth of your accomplishments along the way? You maybe aren’t willing to stop, slow down or even backtrack when necessary? Because taking that step back is not progress right?
But wait, that’s what surgery and recovery are about. You have to take some steps backward to move forward! I’ve been so focused on the long term and so focus on “what do I need to do next” I hadn’t stopped realize or appreciate that what I’ve been doing were the right things. In my mind, I was just the train flying down the tracks with the final destination in sight ignoring the time spent getting maintenance done or acknowledging the tank was getting refilled.